Dive Bar Mike's

Tasty Chicken House

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Great chicken. Down the street at Chick-N-Joy, that is.

Tasty Chicken House

1014 Queen St. East

When I consider the name of this bar, I’m reminded of The Montreal Pool Room in, you guessed it, Montreal.  There’s no pool at the “Pool Room” and there’s no chicken at Tasty Chicken House.

In fact, there’s no food. But there is a kitchen. And all the drinks are served ice cold. Like the owner.   

But the regulars are friendly and, golly, can they shake a leg!

Plus, there’s a skin salon in the back.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Price: Cheap for Leslieville: $4.50 domestic bottled beer

Service: Cold like the beer. Here’s my initial interaction with the owner:

I said, “Hello.”
She said, “Hello.”
I said, “Hello.”
She said, “Hello.”
I said, “Hello.”
She said, “Hello.”
I said, “Hello.”
She said, “Hello.”
I said, “I’m not a cop.”
She looked at me blankly.
I said, “Beer.”
She said, “Yes.”
I said, “Molson Export.”
She said, “$4.50.”

Décor:

Downmarket Chiaroscuro

Much like the Sistine Chapel’s “The Separation of Light from Darkness” by Michelangelo, a guy named Mike painted this ceiling light and dark.  For art connoisseurs, that alone might be the reason to visit.

Washroom facilities:

Clean. Boring. That’s probably a good thing, but not for my review.

Cleanliness:

Literally so clean you’d be comfortable eating their chicken off the floor, that is if they had any chicken.

Games/Amusements:

Coin-op pool table, juke box, Scratch and Win lottery tickets, and CP24 all day and night.  

Value-adds:

The “Whatever happened to Solid Gold Dancer Deney Terrio” mystery solved. As you can see, he’s living happily ever after as Tasty’s feature dancer.

Here he is before the glory of Tasty Chicken House:

Indy 5%:

A Tasty tradition is that the fastest person to chug a full bottle of beer gets to wear the checkered flag jacket.  It matches the ceiling. (I love theme dives!)

The current record holder is Randy McDunna, who inhaled a beer in 1.9 seconds. As he recounted, “I downed that sucker as fast as Darth fuckin’ Vader chasin’ Luke fuckin’ Skywalker, eh.”

Coldest drinks in town:

This bar is committed to serving you the coldest drinks in the city.  Every beverage is stored in the fridge and served ice cold. And that includes red wine, whisky, and Hot Rum Toddies.

Life Lesson: Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Security is handled by Dan.  Third Dan, that is. I watched him apply “The Mantis” to a big unruly fellow and turf him out of the bar.

History:

Walk over to nearby Carlaw Avenue and see the factory where chewing gum magnate William Wrigley Jr. disappointed his father, who was a dentist.

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“Dance Fever Opening”

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for art lovers, speed drinkers, white leisure suit lovers, and those who want to enter the dragon.

Location:

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New Buffalo Restaurant

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After Alfie’s, this is like Cheers.

The New Buffalo Restaurant

242 Queen St. East

After escaping nearby Alfie’s, entering The New Buffalo Restaurant is kind of like walking into TV’s Cheers; everybody seems to know each other’s names or at least their aliases.  And after reassuring everyone you’re not a cop, you’ll be warmly accepted.

My first visit included having a Stetson-sporting cowboy buy me a beer and tell me his epic life story of tornadoes, lost homes, divorce, a tricky little addiction and, finally, redemption in the form of a regular barstool at the New Buffalo. I love a happy ending.

And why is it called the “New Buffalo”? The owners painted the place, which earned it a “new” designation.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: Yes. Near the washroom.

Price: Affordable: $4.50 domestic bottled beer

Service: Law-abiding. As per Section 3, paragraph 4 of the Ontario Liquor Licence Guidelines, I saw the owner send home three customers who “…have lost the ability to speak in any language or have wet their pants…”

Décor:

Mid-Century Diner on Meth.

Cozy wood panelling, mounted deer antlers, Canada Day 2014 window flags, steel bars on windows, and corrugated-steel wall panelling for that masculine touch. Plus, random items seemingly hammered on the walls in manic release of energy.

Washroom facilities:

For ten minutes I pondered the significance of September 29th 1970, then it hit me. (Actually, I needed something to distract me as I hid from a scary Alfie’s customer scouring the bars in search of the “narc.”)

But back to my story…Sept 29th ‘70 was the death date of Edward Everett Horton, narrator of “The Bullwinkle Show”. Silly me! Who doesn’t know that?

And we all know the other date, November 11th, is when we remember the men and women who have served, and continue to serve our country during times of war, conflict, and peace.

Cleanliness:

So clean you can eat your dinner off the floor.  As long as there’s a table and plate between the floor and your dinner.

Games/Amusements:

Wide range of music on video jukebox, Fibe TV, and best of all, owner freestyle dancing to a John Mellenkamp tune.

Value-adds:

Unique photo collage:

Many bars celebrate their regulars with a photo collage, and this bar is no exception. Only thing is, everybody on this one is dead.

Free drinks:

A regular bought me a beer and another customer kindly offered me a half-full Smirnoff Ice that a guy with lip cankers left on the counter. I politely declined.

Meet the strongest woman in the world:

A lady at a table told me she once “pulled a train.” Strange I couldn’t find her at Guinnessworldrecords.com

Living history:

You can talk to a Stetson-wearing Barrie Tornado survivor who watched his home disappear in 1985 along with his wife. She ran off with the insurance adjuster.

He texted me a photo of his Barrie neighbourhood in 1985.  It was tragic but he keeps smiling.

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“People Who Died”
by The Jim Carroll Band

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for:
Richmond street beer drinkers looking for price relief, music fans, history buffs, and ‘60s cartoon fans.

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Alfie’s Bar & Grill

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A little taste of Millhaven in the big city.

Alfie’s Bar & Grill

222 Queen St. East

Curious what penitentiary life is like? Well, from the second its iron-bar door slams shut behind you to the moment you make your desperate escape, Alfie’s Bar & Grill could be the “soap-dropping-in-the-shower” time of your life.

Only interior photo of Alfie’s I could muster before making an exit due to getting the feeling I wasn’t welcome. Could have been the death threats.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Price: Affordable: $4.00 domestic bottled beer. It can get more expensive if you’re asked to pay protection money.

Service: Chatty. Bartender never stopped suggesting I leave. Quickly.

Décor:

Abstract Expressionism.

Walls adorned with a Pollock-pastiche of beer stains, fist craters, nasal wipings, and blood spatter.

Washroom facilities:

Environmentally friendly.  Never flushed urinal and toilet means less sewage for Lake Ontario.

Cleanliness:

Regulars keen to participate in upkeep. More than one said they were “going to mop the floor with my ass.”

Games/Amusements:

Pool table, jukebox, and spontaneous mixed martial arts demonstrations.

Value-adds:

Celebrity Spotting:

Familiar faces from TV and print media (Crime Stoppers and wanted posters).

Vocabulary Expansion:

Learn new words such as “shiv”, “shank”, and how they apply to you.

Feel like you’re among family.

You’ll feel like you’re drinking with your grandfather. If your grandfather is Charles Manson.

Active Singles Scene:

It clearly has an active singles scene as four ladies asked if I wanted a date.

No middle-child syndrome:

You’ll be the centre of attention without realizing it. I suddenly overheard one guy tell another to keep his eyes on me, to which he replied, “I’ve been watching him for ten minutes.”

Kind of reminded me of the sex cult scene in Eyes Wide Shut.

Feel years younger:

Upon entry I heard “Look at the fresh meat!”

Great introduction to capital markets:

You’ll be witness to an active commodity trading floor.

Historical District:

Alfie’s is on a neglected but beautiful block of 19th century buildings. At one time it was a tidy middle-to-upper class retail area with everything a homemaker could need. The area has long-since changed but the retail has expanded to include exotic products from Columbia, Mexico and Afghanistan.  

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“Run Like Hell”
By Pink Floyd

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for martial artists, battle-hardened soldiers and the suicidal.

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Eastenders

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Tell me about your childhood. Now.

Eastenders

1232 Danforth Ave.

Like the British soap opera of the same name, Eastenders is about family, broken relationships, and getting looped. 

Indeed, after yet another Q&A to establish if I were a cop or not, the regulars pulled me into discussions about their better halves, half-siblings, and halfway houses. Having experience with two-thirds of those items, I was expected to share my own anecdotes.  Whether I wanted to or not.

If, like me, you’re a child of the pinball era, you’ll be happy to know they have a machine and a resident pinball wizard who will challenge you to a game.  I let him win two out of three.

Plus, for you vinylphiles, there’s some pretty groovy wax on the walls.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Price: $3.75 per bottle

Service: Friendly. Fast

Décor:

Maury Mauve

I watched a couple argue loudly about paternity: she said it was his, he denied it. Then as fast as it started, the quarrel ended amicably with both sides agreeing to disagree pending DNA test results.  At that point, the proud owner told me he specially chose mauve paint for the walls because it helps calm nerves and maintain peace.  After that revelation, as a Fox29 viewer, I could only name the wall colour Maury Mauve.

Play Video

Washroom facilities:

Paradoxical Pisser:  It conforms to cleanliness standards while wearing an anti-conformist message.

Cleanliness:

Clean. But a woman pointed out some unsettling graffiti on the patio:

Unsettling because Anne Marie’s mother wrote it. 

Games/Amusements:

ATM, TV, jukebox, coin-op pool table, pinball competitions, and watching melodramas unfold.

Value-adds:

Polyester Vinyl Collection:

This Tee Cees album cover is a great snapshot of two big 1970’s fads—disco and the high-protein Ear Diet. 

What The Beatles were to the world of the 1960s, The Athenians of Toronto were to the world of the 1970s.  The world within a one-block radius of Pape and Danforth, that is. 

Factoid Alert:

Don’t choke on your souvlaki, but Discogs says that this album, “San Skoteiniazei,” goes for between $800 and $1,000 in mint condition. Make an offer to the owner.

Taste the snacks your parents ate as children.

Literally. I think these went stale around 1967.

Very Popular Patio

It’s always standing room only

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“ΕΛΑ ΑΓΑΠΗ ΜΟΥ ΚΟΝΤΑ” by The Athenians of Toronto

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for vinylphiles, trash TV fans, and those who misspent their youth and quarters at downtown pinball arcades.

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