Helen’s Bar & Burgers

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Home of the Champions.

Helen’s Bar & Burgers

1564 Danforth Ave. at Coxwell

Even though the nearby notorious Crossroads House was slathered in a coat of “Soon-to-be-a-condo Death Paint,™” Helen’s Bar & Burgers picked up the dive banner where the Crossroads dropped it.  And Helen’s waves it well with top-notch downmarket beverages, fare, and atmosphere.

What struck me about Helen’s is how clean the grilling area is. It looked so underutilized that I had to ask if the kitchen was ever open. It was. The staff will quickly cook something up for you. And as a Hells Angels associate “passing through on business” told me, the chicken wings are great.

The staff and clientele are friendly. Food prices are low. And, unbelievably, no one asked if I were a cop.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: Two of ‘em! Double-down dive style.

Price: Cheap. $3.75 domestic bottles.

$3.50 daily shot specials.  (Covid has raised the price. I tried getting a new photo but there were sinister individuals standing near it who suggested I not take any photos lest I risk becoming a punching bag.)

I suggested they call the Friday featuring Forty Creek Whisky, Fryeday.  They laughed politely.

Service: Friendly. Proud. Athletic.

You might think these are soccer trophies but they aren’t.  These trophies were awarded to the owner who was 1994 champion of the Coxwell Crotch Kicking Contest.  It’s an east-end tough-guy tradition that draws competitors from as far away as across the street.

Décor:

Earth tone Sunset. 

In the early 80s, earth tone was dying hard. With angled wood, beige tiles, brown mats, and yellowy walls, here’s one of its last incarnations before it was thankfully relegated to history. 

And looking closely at the signage, I noticed the name “Henry’s” could be seen under “Helen’s.” I was told Helen had a great divorce lawyer.

Washroom facilities:

Panoramic.

Cleanliness:

Spic and span.  Judging by the brand of cleaner in the closet.  See epic closet photo below when you get to it.

Games/Amusements:

TVs, jukebox, and graphic design training. Once a month, for free beer, unemployed advertising people teach the regulars how to make DIY ads. Here’s a fine example featuring symmetry, scissors, and glue.

Value-adds:

Meet future stars of television

Intervention, that is.

Exemplary three Rs program

Reused screen door makes a great open-concept closet.

Iambic Drunkometer

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“We are the Champions” by Queen

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for Dylan Thomas fans, coupon clippers, easy riders, and those wanting to double down on numbness before heading to one of the many nearby dental offices.

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Linsmore Tavern

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Rockin’ bands and roaming hands

Linsmore Tavern

1298 Danforth Ave.

The Linsmore, one of the east-end’s two remaining traditional hotel taverns, has been spilling beer on its carpets since 1934.

Like most extant hotel taverns, the upstairs rooms have become apartments or storage units. So, don’t go thinking you can rent a room for that special someone you just charmed by doing “Cool Hand Luke” with their pickled eggs.

Today, the Linsmore is all about drinking and grooving to cover bands that crank out anything relating to the words rock, roll, country, and western.  Never hip and hop.

It’s packed on show nights, so prepare to be poked and prodded.  And maybe even pinched by someone like the elderly lady who grabbed my bottom and said I reminded her of her late husband Harold.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Price: Affordable by live music venue standards.
$5.25 a pint until whenever they feel like charging $6.25
Bottles: $3.75 without band $5.25 with a band.
You can try wearing earplugs to get out of paying the extra $1.50 when the band is playing, but the staff wasn’t having it from me.

Service: Friendly. Fast. And hard of hearing thanks to Jim Marshall.

Décor:

Toronto Reformation. 

In the late 60s many local taverns re-decorated their walls with Tudor styling.  This makes sense as drinking was huge in Tudor England, especially with royalty.

Factoid Alert:

Each year King Henry VIII had over 600,000 gallons of beer with his feasts.  (Hank, I want to party with you.)

Washroom facilities:

Clean. But this degree of corporal flexibility comes in handy navigating the men’s washroom.

Cleanliness:

Overall clean. There are sporadic odours but don’t complain because the house rule is “he who smelt it dealt it.”

Games/Amusements:

Live bands, TVs, jukebox, coin-op pool table, and spontaneous Beat poetry by users of the nearby methadone clinic.

Value-adds:

Great place to throw up

The horns, that is.  Remember all those 80s hair bands? Cover bands doing Whitesnake, Poison, and Trixter abound at The Linsmore.

Save money on winter clothing

This tavern is seconds from Greenwood subway. So, in winter, if you have indoor door-to-door access to a subway e.g. Manulife Centre Apartments, you can train it to Greenwood and straight into the bar without a jacket, toque, or gloves.  Or maybe even a shirt.

Built-in icebreaker for the shy

Ask a regular why it’s Linsmore with one “n”. (The place is located on Linnsmore Crescent with two “n’s”.)

Historic pre-launch pad

In the 70s and 80s, thousands pre-drank here before taking their bags of toast to The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the nearby Roxy Theatre. 

The Roxy 1970s

Large Double-Double, please. The Roxy Today

Suggested musical accompaniment:

Time Warp” by Richard O’Brien

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for live music fans, lonely hearts, yogic contortionists, English history enthusiasts, and the Randy Bobandies of this world. 

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Tommy’s Grill & Bar

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Be yourself. Or else.

Tommy’s Grill & Bar

1206 Danforth Ave.

Like other Danforth dives, Tommy’s Grill & Bar has the requisite cheap beer, eclectic characters, and bric-a-brac.

The big difference is the room’s enormous length. A trip to the washroom feels like a walk through the Louvre.  

Underpromise & overdeliver:  Sign said “cool beer” but it was served ice cold.

I guess I’m too literal, but based on the unusual placement of “Grill” before “Bar” in the name, I naively expected burgers and gyros.  And there is indeed a grill there, but the only grilling going on was a regular giving me the once over to make sure I wasn’t a cop. (What is it about me?!)

And once he felt comfortable I wasn’t carrying a badge, he told me there’s no room for snobs or posers. It’s a place to be yourself.  Phew, I knew I’d fit in.

As an added bonus, they regaled me with many east-end urban legends, but the one that stands out is “Casey Jones.” This guy apparently snorted 17 rails of cocaine in one sitting. Quite the feat.  Although, I think he’s since parked his locomotive in the big roundhouse in the sky.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: Yes. Beside women’s washroom.

Price: Cheap to Affordable: $3 to $5.50 per bottle.

Service:
Lovely and talented.
This duet does an amazing “Islands in the Stream.” Tip big and they’ll do it for you. All I can say is: Kenny and Dolly, eat your heart out.

Décor:

Tommy Tutone

Tommy Tutone is a unique bar design that features black and white flooring offset by peachy wall paint and a mish-mash of 1990s beer ads.

The idea is to get you thirsty while burning energy trying to understand why anyone would decorate like this.  It worked on me—I was perplexed and bought five more beer.

Washroom facilities:

G-Rated.

Who knew? TVOntario Kids show writers get drunk and vandalize too. 

Washroom facilities: continued

Life affirming!

In most dive washrooms, the message usually urges me to insert one part of myself into another part of myself.

Cleanliness:

Clean. The Spice Girls poster begets unclean thoughts, though.  Especially the blonde one at the top; what was her name again? Burpy or Snooky… something like that.

Games/Amusements:

TV, video jukebox, coin-op pool table, tales of east-end urban legends.

Value-adds:

Innovative Inebriation Control

Owner is participating in an experimental municipal pilot project that provides bars with blue strips to help bartenders identify drinkers who have been “cut-off” for the evening.

Meal on the Go

Instant dinner and dessert.

  1. Chips 2. Instant noodles 3. Peanuts 4. Pickled eggs 5. Meat patties. We’re good. All five food groups accounted for.

A chance to win a Canadian Club billiard table:

A very small chance, that is.  They aren’t sure when they’ll have the big draw, but they’ve been collecting ballots since 1997. Good luck to you.

Rare Soda Pop Collectible:

Ultra-rare Rainbow Crush Cooler. Like many things at dive bars, including some people, it could be for sale at the right price.

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“Cocaine” by Eric Clapton

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for soda pop collectors, Narcos fans, pool sharks, and struggling binge drinkers.

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Moonlight Pub

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Hair of the dog. Literally.

Moonlight Pub

1162 Danforth Ave.

Moonlight Pub is a friendly pub in the daylight hours.  But legend has it that when the moon rises, a lycanthrope appears.  I think it’s more likely the grouchy regular who rocks John Lennon’s 1969 grooming.

Either way, you get an interesting cast of characters day or night.

Plus, it’s got the best handicap accessibility of any bar I visited. Indeed, this feature is universally appreciated considering that most customers consume enough alcohol to render walking a hazardous activity.   

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Price: Affordable: $4.00 per bottle

Service: Accessible. Friendly. Fast.

Décor:

Moonlight Malbec.  

Walls match the Moonlight’s famous blend of blood, sweat, and tears that flow when there’s a scrap over who was the best lead singer of Van Halen.

Washroom facilities:

Easily accessible for wheelchairs, walkers, and the wasted.

Cleanliness:

Clean except for the “f” word being used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and once as my name.

Games/Amusements:

TV, video jukebox, coin-op pool table and, best of all, free drinks for whomever plays the role of the son on William Tell Dart Night—a longstanding Moonlight rite of passage.  

Value-adds:

Comprehensive Handicap Accessibility:

In keeping with this bar’s stellar accessibility record, they proudly use their patented Moonlight Mobility Rail™ for people with walking challenges.

Appreciative drunk using the Moonlight Mobility Rail™

Legal drinking age is 12-years old:

If you’re a dog.

Regulars who “just say no”to drugs

Well, they say no in the bar. But all bets are off for when they go out “for a smoke.”

Life Lesson: Don’t judge a book by its cover

This guy looked normal, but every time I took his photo all that appeared in it were his beer and jacket—true sign of a vampire according to Bram Stoker.

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“Clap for the Wolfman” by The Guess Who

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for smart beer shoppers, music video fans, vampire hunters, stumbling drunks, and dog lovers. 

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Maple Leaf Sports Bar & Grill

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No Leafs No!

Maple Leaf Sports Bar & Grill

828 Danforth Ave.

On the eastern boundary of Greektown lies Maple Leaf Sports Bar & Grill. 

If you’re looking for a Maple Leafs theme bar to talk Tavares and Matthews, go somewhere else. If you’ve come for lower-priced beer and sticky stories from peelers, dealers, stealers and squealers, you’ll be entertained if not disturbed.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Price: Affordable by Greektown Standards $4.25 a bottle

Service: Suspicious. She really thought I was RCMP or Toronto Police. What is it about me that screams “cop?!”

Décor:

Maple Leaf Merlot.  

The paint hides the blood spatter from Saturday-night dust ups.

Washroom facilities:

Clean. Strangely.

Cleanliness:

If body odour doesn’t count, clean as a whistle.

Games/Amusements:

TVs, jukebox, coin-op billiards, and pharmaceutical transactions.

Value-adds:

Relief for Jan Brady-types:

You’ll be the centre of attention getting sized up as a narc.

Living History:

The in-house goodfellas will regale you with tales of The Danforth when it was all about guns, gangs, and Greek salad.

Free etiquette training:

As seen in Emily Post’s Etiquette, 19th Edition: Manners for Today:

“Never ever smoke, stand, camp out, barf, foreplay on stairs…like ever.”

Suggested musical accompaniment:

Godfather Theme

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for middle children, Danforth historians, and those doing cheaper pre-drinking before hitting oldies night at the Eton House.

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Detroit Eatery

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Wings are the best here.

Detroit Eatery

389 Danforth Ave.

(Sadly, this place burned down. It’s not a dive, and I was only going to include it on my site because the owner wanted me to.  So, I now offer this pre-fire review as a memorial tribute.)

Wings are the best here. And they’re everywhere. Everywhere except the menu.

Since the eatery’s 1945 founding by a Detroit native, the Red Wings have been its team of choice.  And the food of choice? Burgers. Everyone I polled loved their burgers. But the rest of the menu ranked highly.  Although, one thing I felt the menu lacked was calamari.

In terms of clientele, you get a friendly mix of righties, lefties, lovers, lunatics, bankers, wankers, and basic release specialists from nearby “holistic spas.”

And if you happen to prefer Pepsi-Cola, for all that is right and holy, stay the hell away.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Price: Affordable by Riverdale Standards: $4.25 a bottle

Service: Friendly. Well groomed and appropriately branded.

Décor:

Reminiscent of some team. Can’t quite recall which…

Washroom facilities:

Claustrophobic like the penalty box at Little Caesar’s Arena.

Cleanliness:

AAA rating.

Factoid Alert: Fitting as “AAA” is the name of the upscale Montreal fitness club that inspired the Detroit Red Wings’ logo: The MAAA (Montreal Amateur Athletic Association).

Games/Amusements:

TVs, hockey, Coke memorabilia, and trying to get the owner to turn on the Leafs game.  

Value-adds:

Home of Legends

Factoid Alert: Red Wings player Kris Draper accidentally left the Stanley Cup here in 1998. But luckily he came back in time to deliver it to the Dallas Stars when they won in ’99.

In 2009, the well-loved Gord Downie kissed everyone here before shooting “Coffee Girl”.

Coca-Cola Museum

Just in case anyone gets confused, beer is the only thing you can order from the cooler.  Not that anyone orders anything without 5% on the label anyway. 

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“Right Around the Corner” by The Detroit Cobras

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for beer and Wings lovers, burger meisters, hangover victims, and my fellow Coke-collecting geeks.  

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Black Swan

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A rare sight.

The Black Swan

154 Danforth Ave.

The Black Swan is a rare species around here, in fact it’s the last Danforth dive west of Chester Avenue. But it’s hanging in and has been serving Riverdalians beer and live music since 1972.

The “Dirty Swan” hatched as a tidy workingman’s pub but after years of being flown hard and put away wet, it’s morphed into a wonderful dive. Both the bar and its regulars are like a lived-in pair of Adidas Stan Smiths: the more wear and tear, the better.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster:
Yes. Across from the washrooms.

Price:
Affordable by Riverdale Standards: Day price bottle: $5.10/After 6pm: $5.50 (Due to their strong union, beer bottles get 40 cents overtime pay after 6pm.)

Service:
Bar staff: Bubbly.
Owners: Bitter. Cynical. I like them.

Here’s a talented customer’s artistic rendering of the owners

Décor:

Potluck Canadiana.

This design style features walls adorned with whatever. Historic beer ads, vintage Toronto cityscapes, famous blues musicians who allegedly played there, and all of it undercoated by the cheapest colour at RONA’s Once-in-a-Lifetime Paint Sale of 2007.

And there’s an interesting mishmash of furniture that looked vaguely familiar…then I realized it was all from defunct Danforth bars I hung out at in the ‘90s

Washroom facilities:

Educational (see Value-adds)

Cleanliness:

Clean. But let’s just say any self-respecting white swan should avoid rolling on the floors.

Games/Amusements:

One of this bar’s activities is to rub the armrests bare.  And judging by this photo, the owner’s skull as well.

Value-adds:

Accelerated Sex Ed Program

For a few loonies, the washroom’s coin-operated Kinsey Institute can take you from sinless cygnet to carnal cob.  

Follow the directions and long may you reign on the horizontal plane.

Step One: Study
Step Two: Solidify
Step Three: Shield
Step Four: Sustain
Step Five: Stimulate
Step Six: Succeed

Respect for the environment

Faith and begorrah, this is a shining example of reducing, recycling, and reusing. They’re keeping St. Patrick’s promotional material for the next time St. Paddy’s falls on a Thursday.   That will be in 2022.

Witness more alpha selection than Animal Planet

Before they head to the nearby Music Hall, you’ll often hear aging New Wavers arguing about who among them really attended the 1981 Police Picnic at The Grove.  This is apparently a big deal for them. And from what I witnessed, the ultimate Alpha-Punk Arbitration Factor™ is pulling a ticket stub from your wallet.  

I had a ticket for the ’83 Police Picnic but didn’t attend. Wonder if that would score me any alpha-punk street cred.

Historical Segregation:

At one time, Ontario drinking establishments were law-bound to segregate men and women.  Men had an area to themselves and if they even allowed women in, they could only enter if accompanied by a man.  

Suggested musical accompaniment:

Anyone who played at the ’81 Police Picnic.

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for anyone sick of high Riverdale beer prices, David Suzuki, New Wavers looking for validation, and virgins on date number three.

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Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes

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Chill with the Grand Pooh Bah

Royal Antediluvian Order of Buffaloes

222-224 Broadview Ave.

The Buffaloes! With Fred and Barney as members, this place is a yabba dabba dive drinker’s dream. And that, by the way, is where my Flintstones references end.

Since it’s located near where the “beer ‘n’ brawl” Dennis House Tavern once stood, you might think Buffaloes is a rough spot. Fortunately for us peace lovers, this place supplies cheap beer without the Dennis House’s literal interpretation of a Bloody Caesar.

Dennis House is a peaceful bridal shop today. But all bets are off if a “bridezilla” walks in.

So, don’t be intimidated by the fortress-like frontage. Step head held high into this former church and graze with the friendly Buffaloes. Just make sure you’re not a communist and don’t talk politics or religion. And leave your Three-card Monte set at home—no gambling allowed.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Price: Cheap: $3.75 domestic bottled beer

Service: Patriotic. Quick and friendly.

Décor:

Sacred Patriotica

A unique design found only in Toronto. Well, actually, it’s found only in The Buffaloes clubroom.

This former church is bright and airy despite having no windows. The false ceiling hides the arching roof and makes you think there’s something up there.  But isn’t that what churches are supposed to do?

Washroom facilities:

The City of Toronto’s toilet by-law is clearly posted to remind users of their responsibility.  

Out of camera view is the Buffaloes own toilet by-law, which reads, “If you’re going to spew, lift the pew.”

Cleanliness:

Aristocratically clean: The Queen would be proud to play Drunk Jenga with Her loyal subjects.

Games/Amusements:

Darts, TVs, and reading the washroom’s knee slappers.

Value-adds:

No cover charge or membership needed to drink:

Just buy a beer and start chatting with the friendly regulars. You’ll walk out feeling like you’ve always been there. Kind of like how Jack Torrance felt about The Overlook Hotel in The Shining.

Seamless drinking:

They open at 11am and close at 4pm. Perfectly timed because 4pm is when the Army, Navy & Air Force Club opens just down the street.

Battle-hardened veteran stories:

Talk to those who survived the nightly combat at the nearby Dennis House Tavern.

Traumatic Childhood Canadiana:

Check out the vintage Hostess Potato Chips rack!  Brought tears to my eyes as I recalled in grade 4 having my chips stolen by the big kids outside Sam’s Smoke Shop on Yonge St.

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“Monster Shindig” by The Gruesomes  

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for Hanna-Barbera fans, dart players, cheap beer fans, tough tavern history lovers, and those who want to attend a church that allows beer drinking.

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Army, Navy, and Air Force Veterans Club

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One small step for a drunk. One giant leap for drinkers.

Army, Navy, and Air Force Veterans Club

128 Broadview Ave.

In the Queen and Broadview universe, gentrification has resulted in the good dives being replaced by douche bars and high-priced hipster brewpubs.

But fear not thirstling. Small steps north of Queen, there exists another galaxy.  The friendly folks at the Army, Navy, and Air Force Veterans Club reside in an atmosphere free of douchery and beard balm.  Land your craft and fill your crater.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Service: Patriotic. Quick and friendly.

Price: Cheap by Broadview and Queen standards: $4.25 domestic bottled beer

Décor:

Coastal-Patriotica Fusion.

Bright and airy. Cool neutral sea blues offset patriotic flags and battle displays. All of it held together by the weathered wood grain-finish of the bar counter and dart board cases.

Washroom facilities:

Cleanliness is guided by the rule that the drill sergeant must always see his reflection on the floor.

Cleanliness:

See “Washroom Facilities”.

Games/Amusements:

Darts, TVs, and, laughing at the trendy drinkers down the street paying two to three times as much for the same booze.

Value-adds:

Living history from veterans:

Well, these days it’s mostly veterans of the KISS Army. And the closest they’ve come to a weapon is the Love Gun album. But they can tell you how they fought valiantly for front-row centre during the ’76 Destroyer Tour.

Seamless cheap drinking

Doors open at 4pm, just when the only other nearby cheap beer joint, Buffaloes, closes for the day.

No cover charge or membership needed to drink:

Just buy a beer and make yourself at home. Well, not too at home. As they like to say in the world of dives: No swearing. No rants. And no lounging around in your underpants.

Meet Andre the Giant’s protégé:

Bri the Beer Drinking Guy. 

Bri and Andre the Giant during a training session.

There’s a local man who was trained in mass beer consumption by Andre the Giant.  (As I’m sure you know, Andre once whacked down 119 bottles of beer in six hours.) Anyway, his protégé’s name is Bri the Beer Drinking Guy and, like animals around a watering hole, he stays at a bar until he drinks it dry or gets chased off by a bigger beast. I got lucky and saw him at the “ANAF”.

Andre the Giant relaxing.

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“Love Gun” by KISS

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for those with beard allergies, KISS fans, competitive drinkers, dart athletes, history buffs, and cheap beer fans.

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My Bar & Restaurant

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A clash of eastern cultures

My Bar & Restaurant

936 Gerrard St. East

When I think of My Bar, the word “east” comes to mind: it’s on Gerrard St. East; it’s in the east end; it’s got both a Cape Breton and an Indian theme; and, it has a beast that lives in the basement.  (Well, “beast” has “east” in it.)

Notice the charming lady in the bottom-left-hand corner of the photo saluting my presence.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Jacksoul Poster: No

Price: Cheap: $3.50 domestic bottled beer

Service: Friendly. Chatty. Efficient.

Décor:

Shabby Chic Fusion

Shabby Chic Fusion is characterized by pastels, distressed furnishings and a fusion of cultures. Plenty of distress and fusion here: a faded smiling Buddha, wrinkled Cape Breton flag, wobbly chairs, scratched tables, cracked flooring, and a rickety stairwell. All of it basking in the murmuring glow of pastel green.

Washroom facilities:

OCD paradise.

Feel a compulsion to clean? Cleaning products are thoughtfully left all over the basement for you.

The ladies room says it with flowers. I think they’re saying remember to flush.

Cleanliness:

Clean. How could it not be with the cleaning products scattered all around the basement?

Games/Amusements:

$1 coin-op pool table, juke box, and, best of all, listening to drunks speaking in tongues and understanding each other.

Value-adds:

The Power of Diversity

You’ll notice a Laughing Buddha facing a Cape Breton Flag on the opposite wall. When you look back and forth at both a few times a certain otherworldly feeling comes over you. I think it’s the power of diversity. Or maybe it’s just that you get dizzy from turning your head so many times.

Psychoanalytical Insight:

Stand between these adjacent images. Confused? Anxious? Turned on?  Relax. Freud called it the “Madonna-whore Complex.” 

On-site Fitness Centre:

The basement is used as a boxercise dojo. According to the bartender, each fist crater you punch burns about 270 calories.

Horror Film Buff Heaven

Right after taking my seat at the bar, I heard a loud growl coming from the basement.

I was shaking as leaden footsteps pounded up the stairs.  Then appeared a giant shadowy figure. OMG!  It’s the monster from “The Thing!!!”

He crossed the floor, ponied up to the bar and looked at me closely.  In all the fear and excitement I almost pooped my Underoos.

Suddenly, he asked what everyone was drinking and bought us a round. I fainted with relief.

Suggested musical accompaniment:

“Jumpin’ Jack Flash” by Ananda Shankar

The Last Call:

Dive Bar Mike recommends this bar for OCD sufferers, horror film lovers, fitness enthusiasts, cheap beer fans, and anyone who just endured nearby Gerrard Square.

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